20 June 2007


["Game paused. Press 'P' to continue."]

07 June 2007

Things We Searched while at Work

A new column! "Things We Searched while at Work" (TWSwaW) is pretty titularly-self-explanatory. And now, the first entry for TWSwaW:

"is it illegal to quit without notice"

NYT = Sucks

A few weekends ago, we noticed that the NYT Sunday Mag was devoted (not in a really thematic way, but just, like, in a perfect storm confluence of forces (forces = editors' ages, ages rising, gray hair, etc) the mag was devoted to middle age/aging/old people. We hate old people. After last year's Shamu marriage article dominated the most emailed list, we figured something was up. But, like, lots of people are married: our friends (who are young) are married. But the two most emailed stories this morning on our personalized Google page were well you can see above.

That second-most emailed article, like, 1) totally ripped off Slate's "I'm fiftysomething, and I'm joining Facebook" article; 2) seems to make the ethical/pathetic (in the Greek root sort of way) appeal to the reader, but the reader can't help but notice that when the author's daughter says

“wayyy creepy,” it said. “why did you make one!”

she's, like, totally right; the author's daughter is; 3) besides creepy, pathetic.

We didn't even read the fucking menopause one. Jesus Christ. Periods, child birth, menopause. You'd think women want a fucking medal the way they always write/talk/advertise about these things. Men don't talk about nocturnal emissions, dodging baby mamas, and erectile dysfunction all the fucking time. (Well, the last one is out of mens' hands because of, like, spam; and men don't talk about problems getting it up, anyway.)

Even if the news coverage is good, from this point onward we refuse to read the NYT and their middle-aged, creepy, trend-piece-dominated, preoccupied-with-aging, perceived-as-liberal ass.

What a Lazy Sow

[Morphemically misleading as it may seem, "revolution" fails to imply that the world "revolves around you."]

Heard in the office this morning:

"[Co-worker's Name], would you trade jobs with me?"
"No thanks. Oh, wait. Just for today?"
"Yeah. And then you can answer the nine emails I got this morning."
"Oh." Walks away confused.

Who bitches about having to answer nine emails? Probably the same lazy sow that spends every day all fucking week telling the new hires how to write a 300 word market report. S/he couldn't work his/er way out of a paper/lastic bag/sack.

06 June 2007

Well, we get our ideas from everywhere

[All the {well-educated, taste-making, media-controlling-parents-having, only-people-you-seem-to-hear-about} kids are doin' it.]

We were watching 30 Rock the other day, and there was this episode where Lemon (Tina Fey) totally owned Josh (generic Jewish funnyman) during the latter's contract negotiation. Besides making him do the worm, Lemon makes Josh list off ways that she's better than him. One of them, which made me laugh, was when he yelled out "You read the newspaper!" And she says, "Yeah, it's true." Who reads the newspaper anymore? Masochists we are, we picked up the Saturday NYT the other day to try to fill in correctly one or two pieces of the crossword. Of course, we had a hard time finding the crossword, for a paradoxical reason--the paper was so thin that we thought we lost a section. What did it have, about 15 pages total? That's a goddamn shame. Thinking about it, we decided we'd have been better served giving the dollar to the homeless, or, like, putting it toward a latte at Starbucks.

[Oops. Can't figure out how to insert more pictures]

Add that to the Times Select on-line wall, and you're left with a double-forked plan to kill readership (maybe?). You can't read everything online, but when you actually buy the paper you're inevitably disappointed because it's, like, a ten-minute read. If we wanted ten-minute reads, we'd totally read FP Passport and The Ag. Oh, what's that? Yeah, we do.

[See above.]

FP Passport collects various World News stories together in an intelligent fashion. For instance, we learned yesterday that we share a birthday with the Six-Days War. Interesting! Besides which, we were alerted that the G8 meetings are going to be a shitstorm, and that the next Cold War is on the horizon.

The Ag collects news and presents it in the cutesy Harper's Week in Review and Findings style. This style is awesome. NYT take note: what the people want isn't reliable reporting (over which point print can hardly claim superiority over Internets), they want conceptually interesting presentations or even re-presentations of the news. If the past is doomed to repeat itself, and every presentation is already a re-presentation anyway, etc., etc., then why not hire some of the Harper's editors and have them turn your publication into something interesting-on-the-page-to-look-at. Your both heart-run-dry-from-bleeding-so-profusely liberal rags anyway.

04 June 2007

It's FIVE! (Facebook)

[Facebook v1.0 = LAME!]

Damn a few things: Last.fm's scrobbler: It's not transmitting our tunes; Flixster can't find Woman is a Woman; and Twitter just sucks. But why do we care about these things? What t** fuck are these things? We dunno; but they're all on our Facebook now! You can even share news stories, to make it look like you've been, you know, reading the newspaper. See [poor-quality] image below. Facebook is totally the cooler, Wall Street trader, striped-shirt wearing, non-smoking goes to the gym, Red Bull + Vodka-drinking, Alphabet-City-apartment-complex-buying older brother of MySpace... Wwwwait... this is a good thing?

01 June 2007

LeBron James

[LBJ was the 36th President of the United States (1963–1969).]

We were lucky. We got home from the store and regulation had five minutes left in it: plenty of time. And then five more minutes, overtime one; and five more, overtime two. It was awesome. We ate sushi. Beer, gin. And we don't even like basketball that much. But still.