Rivers Cuomo = James Joyce?!?

[Suck My* Art Hole]

So we were making the drive from Albuquerque to Santa Fe this morning, and it occurred to us: What if Weezer (blue) were a concept album? The concept being one day in the life of the protagonis. Like, have you ever read Ulysses, or listened to A Grand Don't Come For Free (Joyce and The Streets, respectively)? Those two pieces follow a character(s) for about a day, and track the rise and fall of a life. Well, we think maybe Weezer does the same thing. We present the Payne Schemata of Weezer (blue).

Chapters

1. My Name Is Jonas
2. No One Else
3. The World Has Turned And Left Me Here
4. Buddy Holly
5. Undone-The Sweater Song
6. Surf Wax America
7. Say It Ain't So
8. In The Garage
9. Holiday
10. Only In Dreams

1. My Name Is Jonas

Time: 8am; Place: An Apartment in Los Angeles, California; Art: Interpretation of Dreams; Symbol: Wheel.

Introduces the protagonist, Jonas. Jonas dreams of a wheel, and his mythical, Biblical namesake. Awakes to a voicemail from his brother, a real estate developer who faces problems with his latest property: the workers are striking. End scene.

2. No One Else

Time: 8am; Place: Betty Ford Center; Art: Narrative (Old); Symbol: Photograph

Jonas' father, Harry, awakens. He's enjoying a stay in rehab for his alcohol addiction. His first thoughts upon rising are of his wife (divorced, named Polly). Polly's incessant affairs with other men led Harry to his heavy drinking; and thus, he feels his addiction can be cured if he meets a nice girl, who "leaves her makeup on the shelf" when he's away.

3. The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

Time: 830 am; Place: Shower; Art: Narrative (Young); Symbol: Photograph/Memory

Jonas, in the shower, thinks of his ex-lover, a girl named Mary whom he met at a surf party. Though it isn't certain from the text, it is implied that he pleasures himself.

4. Buddy Holly

Time: 11am; Place: Arnold's Drive-In; Art: Hallucination; Symbol: Jukebox

After showering and eating some Coco Puffs, Jonas heads off to Arnold's Drive-In, a local hangout and Happy Days-themed bar. This chapter takes course over several hours, during which Jonas drinks heavily, alone. After making several unsuccessful passes at a girl who reminds him of his ex, Jonas falls into drunken delusion and despair. Spurred by the Buddy Holly song "Peggy Sue" playing on the jukebox, Jonas begins to think he's a member of the cast of the popular 70s/80s Happy Days. A fight ensues, in which Jonas basically gets his ass kicked since he's so drunk that he can' punch or kick. His friends come in the nick of time and help him out.

5. Undone-The Sweater Song

Time: 6pm; Place: The El Rey Theater; Art: Knitting; Symbol: Superman Skivvies

Jonas is waiting outside the El Rey with his friends. They are waiting for a show to start; Jonas is still drunk, and he's introduced himself to some people as Ed. A girl, even more drunk, starts hitting on Jonas. Or maybe she's only trying to use him for a ride to a party? No one seems to know. While in line someone's zipper catches on a thread of Jonas' sweater, causing it to unravel a bit. As a joke, his friends--and later everyone--starts pulling on the thread to see if they can destroy his sweater. Someone pantss Jonas, revealing his Superman-themed underwear.

6. Surf Wax America

Time:12am; Place: Manhattan Beach; Art: Epiphany (Drunken); Symbol: Beer Keg

At the aforementioned party. The protagonist found a new pair of pants. He stands by the keg looking out at the ocean. Some people surf. He first compares the sea to a bottle of beer; later, a "thousand pound keg." (C.f., "winedark sea.") Jonas' mind wanders to a No Blood For Oil surf-themed protest he'd went to previously. This chapter introduces us to the idea that Jonas may be an alcoholic, given his persistent alcohol-themed characterizations of the ocean.

7. Say It Ain't So

Time: 130 am; Place: Manhattan Beach, further north; Art: Epiphany (Sober); Symbol: Bottle of Stevens Point Brewery Beer

Jonas is sobering up. He wanders north on the beach. Sitting down to rest, his eyes fall on a bottle of Stevens beer, which causes an epiphany in him: He's becoming an alcoholic like both his father and step father. (His mom, Polly, has poor choice in men?) Time grinds down, and Jonas begins to feel like one of the dead from the Flood. Feeling God has forsaken him, he screams "Say it ain't so!" Writhing around on the ground, he thinks up a pretty sweet guitar solo. He dreams he sees his father on the beach, then his little brother, whom he tries to strangle. He passes out.

8. In The Garage

Time: 2am; Place: Manhattan Beach, still the same spot from last chapter; Art: Garage Rock; Symbol: Twelve-sided die

Jonas dreams of being a rock musician. He dreams of black-framed glasses and Peter Criss. He dreams of dungeons and dragons, and remembers what a dork he really is. But his dream continues. He feels safe. No one cares about his ways. He belongs in the garage. But no one can hear him sing his song.

9. Holiday

Time: 12am; Place: Better Ford Center; Art: Fugue; Symbol: Math Homework

It's lights out at Betty Ford. Harry wishes he could go on holiday. He's almost recovered and he's been reading this awesome book called On The Road. He's been trying to get his GED, and he's sick of the math homework. Harry wishes he was immortal, and that he could hang out with his son and be the "cool dad," but not too cool, coz otherwise he'd been an alcoholic, which is exactly what happened.

10. Only In Dreams

Time: 4am; Place: Manhattan Beach, still; Technique: Guitar Solo; Symbol: Toenails

Jonas wakes up, only to realize that he wishes he were still dreaming. Which realization causes him to reflect on the nature of dreams and reality. In dreams only can his ideal girl be in the air, in between molecules of oxygen and carbon dioxide. In reality, he would totally step on the feet of the girl with whom he's dancing at the high school prom, which he totally did. He takes his frustration out on himself, masturbating for, like, five minutes on his metaphorical guitar. Falls asleep.

*We found this image on google image search. It's not really our drawing. (Too bad!)

Wilco: Sky Blue Sky, Pitchfork, Stylus, & PopMatters

[Dude looks like a lady: Aerosmith and Robin Williams were the original sellouts.]

We can't believe the new Wilco album must be coming out tomorrow. Is that right? We've been listening to it for a while now (mad props to Oink!) and we think it's O.K. What's wrong with it? It's pleasant. The sun is sunny right now! What's wrong with pleasant? We were driving around with our girlfriend yesterday, after picking her up from the bookstore. In the store, we saw a book about Merzbau, the Kurt Schwitters' exhibition. Well. Naturally we put on in the car Merzbow. It was unpleasant: ahhh, but that's the point, you say. Well, we agree; but sometimes we just want music to sound nice.

Pitchfork loves Merzbow. (Well, they don't exactly, but all Merzbow albums are rated higher than this new Wilco album.) And they hate the new MOR Wilco. Is new Wilco MOR? Who cares. Giving the album less than five-and-a-half on the Pfork scale, they say


An album of unapologetic straightforwardness, Sky Blue Sky nakedly exposes the dad-rock gene Wilco has always carried but courageously attempted to disguise. Never has the band sounded more passive, from the direct and domestic nature of Tweedy's lyrics, to the soft-rock-plus-solos format (already hinted at on Ghost's "At Least That's What You Said" and "Hell Is Chrome") that most of its songs adhere to.



We really like the first two songs there on A Ghost Is Born. WTF? What's wrong with writing straight-ahead rock/pop songs? "Dad-rock" is just another name for "sounds pleasant," and not all music sounds like Merzbow. We're glad that all music doesn't sound like Merzbow. If "Hell is Chrome" is MOR dad-rock, well then goddamnit, we fucking love dad-rock.


PopMatters' review sounds like a direct, considered rebuttal of the 'Fork's review. The little thingy under the byline (or where the byline would be, which must have a technical name, but which technical name eludes me) says, "If you're prone to confusing honest musical maturity with banality, then you'll surely miss out on the treasures of Sky Blue Sky." Which, is exactly what Pitchfork seems to have done (according to PopMatters). PopMatters ultimately gives the album a 9/10. It argues throughout that the tunefulness of the new album conceals a deeper artistic integrity and musical complexity, which sounds like, say, what the Beatles did with their music. Or something. We're only interested in scores, and PopMatters scored the album almost twice as high.


Stylus (we read this trifecta of online music mags, obvs) gives the album a "B-," and compares Wilco's new effort to what the Grateful Dead recorded in the twilight or falling-action phase of their career. I think. The reviewer made some allusion to a place that seems from context to be related to the Dead, and then he mentions them, sure. But I think Mr. Cohen here knows a bit too much about the Dead to trust his taste. We exclude Stylus from our considerations because it's too much of an MOR review. A B-??? WTF. Pick "awesome" or "shitty." Our short attention span can only parse extremes.


Let's turn again to PopMatters. (We're really done with Pfork's divisive qua a fortiori polarizing reviews; nah, just kidding!) At the beginning of the review, the PopM says,

There is already considerable opinion and criticism in print and on the internet regarding Wilco’s sixth studio album. I’m writing this review approximately one month after the band streamed Sky Blue Sky in its entirety via its website (and the subsequent file-sharing leak of massive proportions) and one month before the album’s official release on aluminum poly-whatever.

[The noodles is boiling over, kid. The fix is in!]

This section gave us pause. Three big music online music magazines review the new Wilco album a month before its release--all on the same day?? This sounds like a conspiracy of Oliver Stone-ian proportions. What gives? Did the Big Three get together in a smoky back room somewhere and decide to review simultaneously the new Wilco album, thereby scooping traditional print media, whose natural restrictions already place them at a temporal/scoop disadvantage, which disadvantage only swells when the Allied Powers carve up Berlin a month in advance? We rather see the editors of the three, Stylus, Pitchfork, and PopMatters videoconferencing with their MacBooks, drinking Shasta and smoking parliaments in run-down but expensive apartments in various cities. Well. Really who cares? Much like ESPN pressured John Kruk to pick the Pirates as division champs, which he apparently admitted on radio, we think the three online mags drew straws: short one rips it, middle one stays lukewarm, and long one loves it. Either way, we can't see a better way at least to generate interest in the album than to conspiratorially ally in order to give the new Wilco album an aura of critical ambivalence.




UPDATE: Tiny Mix Tapes sides with PopMatters on the matter. They also reviewed the album today. Weird.

Iranian government Condemns 300

Re: our previous post, we have to say that the Iranian government might just be right.