14 March 2007

Really Amazing: Craigslist m4f

Well, a few methodological notes: a) we've decided to ditch the then no sound style sheet, because, well, it doesn't make any sense; b) we've decided also that we're not a very good writer--but oh wells; c) the past perfect (plu-perfect? pluter-perfect???) is a pretty effete voice in which to write. N e wayz...

Speaking of writing we just read another pretty awesome post on Santa Fe craigslist. We never saw craigslist until we came out here, and, well, even though we're sure it's better in a place in which there are tons of crazy people, we think it's A-Ok here. Sometimes. But this post, unlike the last one (from which an effluvia of despair and desperation fled like it was on a burning shortbus full of, like, retarded gas-soaked children), this post is just bitter. And it characterizes one man's experience with the local dating scene. [Edit: unfortunately.] The differential structure of meaning-creation has a way of doing that, no? Let's see what this fellow's life is like by the things he describes he wants, which clearly are things about which he's criticizing former dates, whom we should like to describe. (This is a long post, and we'd use the "after the jump" thing, but we're too lazy to figure it out.)

[The metaphorical jump.]

Well, It's finally time to admit when I've been wrong. After years of trying to find good, honest women with integrity, I realize that I need to change. I mean, who the HELL do I think I am? I'm not that special to expect sooo much out of someone. So, I've decided to change my expectations. I'm turning over a new leaf ladies. Here's the list of NEW traits I'm looking for in my future lady:
Ok, we think that reevaluating one's standards and expectations is a process that should occur fairly regularly, even if one happens to be dating or married to someone. Alcohol, we find, is a good standards-and-expectations reevaluator.

LANGUAGE: For now on, I don't give a shit how you talk. I love it when I hear you say words like dawg, cuz, aiight, yo, dat, holla, crib, props, peeps or any other words that would make an English teacher piss themselves.

We think one standard this fellow needs to raise, though, is his age requirement. You should not be trying to date middle schoolers. Well, unless he's in middle school, we suppose; but then this guy is too young to be posting on craigslist. Double whammy!

SPELLING: GOD, it makes me so hard when I get all those texts(you know those fuckers cost, right?) from you and it looks as if you dropped out of the 4th grade after repeating 3 times. I've been suffering through it for the sake of not talking to your retarded ass, but now if you refer back to the first item on my new list...I don't care anymore. So text your shorthand ass off or call me, either way I can't WAIT to hear from you.

See above. Bro's age requirement = at least 5th grader

HYGIENE: Let me tell you something, this is an area I REALLY need to lighten up on. All this time that I've been trimming, or shaving, or washing, or cleaning my tool(penis for you dumbasses)I've been expecting the same from you. Not anymore! Nope, for now on I will enjoy eating your box for an hour as I waft through the smells wondering if I'm munching day old tuna, or an opened box of sardines left out on the counter by my hefty roommate.

Just to reiterate: "[...] my tool(penis for you dumbasses)I've [...]" parentheses are not em-dashes. 'Nuff said. Well, on second thought, we suppose that the poster, here, should probably just suck it up--pun intended.

NICOTINE: Yep, this has been a biggy for me. I know, I know, I'm an asshole! But this is a new me. A new beginning. I promise I will not discriminate against you anymore because you smoke. Yep, for know on I will learn to love the taste of a fucking ashtray in my mouth as my clothes smell of week old cigarettes and you slowly give me cancer. I would love to die a slow and painful death because of your second hand smoke!

Eh, no comment.

EXERCISE: HOLY SHIT! Are you fucking kidding me? A woman who takes care of herself and takes pride in her body? Not anymore. Fuck that shit!! I want a woman who watches an infomercial for the Ab Machine only because there's 15 minutes left before the informercial for the Deep Fried Twinkie machine comes on. Are you joking me? Hell yes I'll go with you to Taco Bell for 2 Chalupas, 2 Tacos and an order of Pinto beans(with a large Diet Coke...gottawatch those calories) at 1 in the morning after we had whale sex because you can't miss your 4th meal! Who the hell wants a woman who can shop at Victoria Secrets for sexy undies? HAHAHA! NOT ME!!! I want your sexy undies made out of my couch cover!

We have to say, this one really divides us. On the one hand, girls that go to the gym all the time tend to be vain and narcissitic; but on the other hand, like, no fatties. Funny story, we made deep-fried twinkies the other day, and they're pretty fucking good. So, like, don't knock 'em, etc. Also, most medical professionals recommend five evenly-spaced meals per day, so depending on when you go to bed, a taco bell run at 1am might not be a bad idea. Plus, doesn't this brother get hungry after he gets his fuck on? Pluswhich, c.f. picture to the right, garments made from shit you find lying around the house (in this case, a pillow case and some red tape) can be awefully sexy. Just, you know, FYI.

COMMITMENT: Who needs this? The nerve of me. All this time I've been expecting my girlfriends to fuck only ME?!? I have some nerve. Well, ladies now I don't give a shit. If it's 12 at night and you still haven't shown up for our date which was supposed to be at 8:00, I'm no longer gonna care that you went out with your girlfriends to a bar and took some stranger home for a protein swallow. Who needs that kind of stress? If I'm at work and your fucking every guy in the grocery store over at the Dairy section, I DON'T CARE! Shit, whore it up ladies! I'll just be at home WHENEVER you call with my favorite DVD(Junk in the Trunk #12), a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of lube hoping that they are both empty at the end of the night and my room smells like jizz and puke. Well, there you go. I hope this turns out well for me.

Come pick me up,
Take me out,
Fuck me up,
Steal my records,
Screw all my friends,
Behind my back,
With a smile on your face,
And then do it again.

Overall, we rate this fellow a 2.7 / 10.

Comments: Needs to stop trolling for thin, clean, intelligent fifth graders. Guy is probably turned off from the highschool crowd because of said crowd's affinity for picking up smoking. Eh, this is taking too long and we got kind of bored.