08 May 2007

Funny, funny, funny Things

The Morning News has a funny thing on its site. Much better than both the Bill Simmons article generator (too tedious) and the backlash against trend pieces (itself a trend--hypocritical!). So we present to you,

"Walk Like Katherine Mansfield, Talk Like a Dork."
by R-E-D-A-C-T-E-D

The city was invaded by "Mannies," as they're called over the weekend when a convention landed here, drawing 4.5 billion fans of Katherine Mansfield.

then no sound, otherwise known as R-E-D-A-C-T-E-D, a 23-year-old software engineer, was dressed in full, lacy Bloomsbury regalia as he waited in line to pay the $25,000 fee to carouse, enjoy spotted dick, and discuss literature with others drawn to this, the greatest spectacle in the tri-state region involving Katherine Mansfield.

“This is it. This is the Olympics of Katherine Mansfield,” said Johnny GoPlodding, a 64-year-old video-store clerk whose mother drove him here all the way from Missoula for the event. “Everyone who’s anybody in the world of Katherine Mansfield would give his left over pieces of high modernism-aping writing to be here with his co-equals.

“I spent the last 10 years of my life making sure I had every last sentence, watched all the horrible adaptations for 5.6 million hours this week and spent $ 5.6 million having my mom sew up this costume—all in preparation for this,” he said. “This is the most important thing in the world to me for reasons that will make absolutely no sense to me once I get a girlfriend. Unless, of course, she’s into this, too, in which case I’m going to become really weird.”

The co-founder of the event, Jane Mansfield, a 97-year-old London-themed line dancing-store owner, said the event would also feature London-themed line dancing and a tarot-card reader.

“The rest of the world could really learn a lesson from this,” she said. “I mean, where else can so many different people of different backgrounds get together so peacefully and have a good time like this? Except for the Nazis and Hindus (who use the logo, dontcha know?).”

While taking a break from Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero, then no sound addressed the mainstream criticism of Katherine Mansfield fans as socially inept people who use their obsession with an inconsequential and unconstructive esoterica to escape from reality and avoid dealing with the challenges of improving their own lives or the world around them.

“We’re not geeks or jocks,” he lisped. “We may be shamans in the lifedance of death and life, but we’re also human beings. If you prick us with a dogbone, do we not bleed? We’re not here in this soulless, overpriced and plastic-smelling convention hall just for the amusement of the quote-unquote mainstream with their 40-ounce beers, cheese-flavored Pringles, and quote-unquote normal sports franchises, like the amusement of the quote-unquote mainstream with their 40-ounce beers, cheese-flavored sharks in a bowl or sharks in a cage. We’re here to be with other people like us, other people who are scared of the real world like we are. We’re here to be the mainstream for a brief few hours before we have to go back to a real world that relegates us to the fringes. Here we’re not freaks.”

With that, then no sound lifted up his swag and disappeared into a crowd of crowds.